Family Stories

Looking At Different Abilities

 

I was taking a walk down a country road near my home when I saw a bright yellow “children at play” sign. Carefully written above the letters in deep black marker was the word “autistic.”

 

When I was growing up, I remember a family of deaf children who lived on my street. Near their house was a big orange sign that said “Deaf Child Area.” It was necessary that drivers know the children there would not hear their approach or the honk of a horn.

 

I thought back to that sign and how I had felt seeing it as a child. I don’t remember playing with those kids. I’m quite sure that they went to different schools, had different friends, didn’t mix with the neighborhood kids. Maybe they felt communication would be difficult or awkward. The sign always struck me as a kind of quarantine, setting the family apart. It stigmatized them in my young eyes.

 

Yesterday, as I walked past the bright  sandwich board sign set on the side of the road, I thought about what that mother must have felt as she wrote the word “autistic.” She had fears for her children’s safety, I imagined, and maybe she simply wanted people to understand if her children acted differently or didn’t react to passersby. But there was a kind of un-nameable pride in those words. The added word seemed to say “these are my children. I’m comfortable with it and you should be too.”

 

Maybe I felt this way because I knew the mother who had put up the signs. She has three boys, two of them autistic. She seems to have boundless energy and has devoted her life to her sons. Her world is circumscribed by their abilities, her marriage has been impacted and her social life is limited. I imagine that in the quiet of her home and the privacy of her bed there have been many bleak moments, mixed with triumph and pride.

 

The sign also made me realize just how far we have come as a society. There was a time when we swept these kinds of disabilities under the rug. They were shameful, stigmatizing and segregating.

 

I am proud of this mother for choosing to call a spade a spade. I have a hearing impaired daughter. Whe this disability is not anywhere as limiting as the level of autism my friend’s boys have, I have learned long ago you cannot measure people’s pain. We all ache equally for our children when the diagnosis is delivered. There are no blue ribbons for first prize in the “biggest martyr” category. Anyone with a child who has different abilities is my hero.

 

I’ve raised my daughter to be very matter-of-fact about her hearing. “I wear hearing aids,” she will explain, and she has chosen hot pink tie-dyed ear molds so that there can be no mistake. I know that when adolescence hits, it will be harder for her to crow about her differences. She will want in-the-ear hearing aids and perhaps take them off in certain situations when she is self-conscious. No child wants to be different, at least in that way.

 

The Americans With Disabilities Act went a long way toward legally giving people with disabilities rights. But to truly remove the stigma, to really help those with different abilities we need to all be comfortable with calling it as it lays. Denial, or choosing not to speak about it only continues to keep others shrouded in the cloud of “shame” that can accompany people with disabilities.

 

I recently wrote a cover story for Parade magazine about brain injuries and the promise of cognitive rehabilitation for recovery. I received a great deal of reader mail in support of the article. But it was, of course, the one dissenting letter that stayed with me. The reader told me how much he enjoyed the story until he got to the line where I said “brain injured people are often seen as “slow” or “retarded.” As the father of a grown Downs Syndrome son, he felt that by using these words I was insulting him and his family. In an email back to him I pointed out that by choosing those words I meant to underline how we stigmatize people with pat phrases.

 

I ached for this father. His son was in his 20s and yet he still felt the pain, perhaps even the shame that his son’s disability carried. As I wrote him back and assured him my words were meant to advocate for people like his son, I thought about all of the families across America who have braced themselves to feel the slight, the whispers, the child’s stare when they go outside their door with a loved one.

 

On the way back home from the walk, I passed the sign again and fought the urge to raise my fist in support. “Here is my child,” the sign said, “and this is what you need to know about him.” Slow down, pay attention and change YOUR behavior. There is a lesson in there for each of us.

 

  1. Shara

    August 6, 2009 at 9:01 pm

    As a mother of a child with Austism, thank you for this story.

  2. Debt Settlement Program

    August 20, 2009 at 3:32 am

    charming post. due one decimal where I quarrel with it. I am emailing you in detail.

  3. Shelly

    September 14, 2009 at 2:47 pm

    Lee, What a great, refreshing story. Thank you.

  4. Bare Butt Spank

    November 22, 2009 at 9:09 am

    I should email my girlfriend about it.

  5. Cure Autism Symptoms for Toddl

    December 1, 2009 at 4:27 pm

    Pretty cool post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really liked browsing your blog posts. In any case I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you write again soon!

  6. сайт для геев

    December 18, 2009 at 3:26 pm

    я так считаю: неподражаемо..

  7. Julietta Tatar

    December 24, 2009 at 11:11 am

    Just imagine I read it twice. While I am not as proficient on this subject, I harmonise with your determinations because they create sense. Gives Thanks and goodluck to you.

  8. political satire articles

    January 2, 2010 at 1:21 am

    Informative post! I looked around for this… I came across your site! 🙂 Anyway, would you mind if I posted a backlink from my web site to your blog site?

  9. Geld lenen met negatieve bkr

    January 23, 2010 at 8:13 pm

    I am also a great fan of this subject and I love seeing some new posts in this niche! Thank you 😉

  10. adult autism signs symptoms

    January 25, 2010 at 7:50 pm

    Fantastic. care to share your sources 🙂 ?

  11. Georgetta Ragin

    January 26, 2010 at 9:53 am

    I was simply looking at pertinent blog posts for my project research when My partner and i happened to stumble upon yours. Many thanks for this valuable information!

  12. Ebonie Moorehead

    January 26, 2010 at 11:15 pm

    I really liked reading your post!. Quallity content. With such a valuable blog i believe you deserve to be ranking even higher in the search engines :). Check out the link in my name. That links to a tool that really helped me rank high in google. This way even more people can enjoy your posts and nothing beats a big audiance 😉

  13. claims adjuster

    February 17, 2010 at 7:30 pm

    GOP has proven not to be much better in safeguarding people’s interest. Only hope is to kick out EVERY elected official from EVERY post in this country.

  14. neurological physio

    February 18, 2010 at 6:57 am

    What template are you running on this site ? I really like it. Could you post where you got it from ?

  15. Mortgage Modification

    February 20, 2010 at 2:20 am

    Hey! Thanks much for the specifics ! I found it insightful with some research I’m doing right now. I’m going to bookmark this blog and return. What other resources are there on the same subject? Keep posting!

  16. texas health insurance

    March 2, 2010 at 3:22 pm

    Life is a spectrum disorder. Some people who are diagnosed with life function at a higher level than others. People should not view life as a handicap. If you have life, just play to your strengths and compensate for your weaknesses.

Comments are closed.